Good afternoon my friends. How has today been for you?
If your anything like me going into your 20s was scary. Suddenly you are no longer a teenager and the direction of your life is in the palm of your hand.
I wanted to share with you some things I try to remind myself when I feel unsure or anxious. I use these to help stay grounded and remember I’m still young and have a lot to learn.
1. You are not wasting your 20s.
I know it’s easier said than done. I struggle with seeing others my age at different stages (marriage, kids, full time employment, etc.) and can’t help but feel like I’m steps behind. That I haven’t completed this ‘checklist’ of things yet. But each of us are going through our 20s at different speeds and yours is absolutely okay. You aren’t wasting a period of your life that you’ve only just started.
2. It’s okay if your direction in life has changed then what you originally planned.
I don’t know about you, but when I was 16/17 I was setting whole 5 year plans. And I can say that I am not where I had planned and it does get me down. I feel a sense of failure that I didn’t follow this list, however I’m working to change this mentality. Its unfair to expect ourselves to follow one path when life is unpredictable, with events out of our control. If a hobby or passion no longer serves you and you cannot see yourself feeling joy towards it, then it’s okay to walk away and try something new. Life is about doing what’s best for you and the person you are becoming.
3. Let yourself be bored.
You don’t have to be doing something all the time. Burnout and emotionally exhausted are easy to fall into and even harder to get out of. Let your mind and body be bored sometimes, you never know maybe you’ll find something spontaneous to take up your time.
4. You will always be your own worst enemy.
Nobody will ever be a harsher critic then yourself. I said it and I meant it. I find whenever I make a mistake or an error in my life I blow it out of proportion. Drop a coffee at work, the self-talk turns into ‘you’re useless’, have a bad dating experience ‘you are unworthy of love’. All this negative self-talk out of holding yourself and your abilities to an unachievable high standard. You are human, mistakes happen, it doesn’t mean you are a failure. I think we all just need to try and be more patient with ourselves.
5. Spending time alone is valuable.
The rumours aren’t true, going places alone isn’t lame or weird!! Taking yourself on dates or simply enjoying your own company is a valuable part of your everyday. Working on having a healthy relationship without ourselves helps all the other relationships around us. It isn’t easy and it takes time, but trust me it is worth it.
6. Forgive the person you were.
It’s easy to reflect, look at who we were and get frustrated or annoyed. We have all made mistakes, said the wrong thing, or behaved a way we wouldn’t now. It’s easy to look back at our past selves with anger and disappointment. But we can’t go back and redo the situation, we can’t be those people again. In order to grow from the past, we need to forgive our past selves. We were acting with what we knew at the time and all we can do now is be better.
7. You are not someone’s emotional punching bag.
Having people that only come to you to dump all their problems on you, that’s an emotional punching bag, and you deserve better. A friendship or relationship should be 50/50, with venting and communication going both ways. It’s not fair for people to do it to others, but it’s also not fair to do it to others. That’s what therapy is for. Healing means holding yourself accountable for some of your own negative traits. Venting and dumping problems is different and it’s important to always check with your support networks/friends if they are in the right mindset for venting.
8. Sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever.
It sucks but it’s true. Friends like any relationship come and go. It doesn’t mean they weren’t valuable it just means that directions have shifted and that relationship doesn’t serve you anymore. Be grateful for what they taught you but don’t let it stop you from moving forward.
9. Getting mental health support doesn’t make you weak.
I believe it makes you stronger, taking time to heal is never a waste.
10. Let yourself rest.
You’ve earned it.
11. Setting boundaries is important. Learn to say no.
This is something I still have struggle with. Saying no to things you don’t want to do and telling people if they’ve hurt you is an essential part of life. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Setting boundaries if anything shows more respect for yourself. Setting boundaries will get easier over time and it is never something to feel bad about.
12. You don’t have to be everyone’s friend.
Spending all your time and energy trying to please everyone is a disrespect to yourself. It’s a human experience to come across people you simply don’t get along with. Its normal, it doesn’t mean you are required to force a friendship. Trying to please everyone takes the time and attention away from the important relationships around you. Be friends with people who make you feel good.
13. Let go of things you can’t control.
Read that again.
14. You don’t need to be in a relationship.
As one of my sweet friends told me once during a heartbreak: “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you or respect you?”. She was absolutely right. It’s hard to not be consumed by loneliness after seeing people around you in relationships. But that doesn’t mean you need to tolerate shitting people or relationships. You should never lower your standards of what you deserve to not be ‘lonely’. You deserve genuine and healthy love and nothing less.
15. Sometimes you just need to be sad.
Life can be shit. I’m not going to sugar coat it because this page is a place of honesty. We’ve all had situations, feelings, moments that have made us feel like the world around us is collapsing. Sometimes you just need to let yourself be sad. To sit in the feelings and let yourself grieve. I’ve had my fair share of 1am breakdowns on my bedroom floor and I’m not ashamed. Life can suck and sometimes you just need to cry and be sad.
16. Let yourself feel.
I got a big slap of reality when my therapist pointed out how I use intellectualization. This phrase refers to a defence mechanism in which “people reason about a problem to avoid uncomfortable or distressing emotions” (psychology today, 2021). Let’s just say unpacking this hasn’t been fun. Taking a step away from my rational thinking to acknowledge and feel distressing situations and feelings has sucked. But I’m learning to let myself feel (through the help of a license psychologist) and slowly its helping to heal old wounds. Pushing feelings away doesn’t mean they go away, it just means they are going to hurt twice as hard when they come back. Letting yourself feel falls into letting yourself be sad. It’s a part of growing and it’s not always nice but it’s always necessary.
17. Do things to make yourself proud.
Now that you’re an adult you really have more control over your choices. Spend time doing things for yourself. Do a degree you find interesting, apply for a new job, take up a new hobby or even travel somewhere new. Whatever goal or idea you set up for yourself make sure you are doing it for you. The person you should aim to make proud is yourself.
18. Have fun.
You are young, enjoy it!!
19. The future is scary but you’ll be okay.
Try not to spend all your mental energy worrying about what’s ahead. Right now your goal is to make sure you are okay now and the future will be what it will be.
20. Be excited for what’s to come.
<3
Big hugs, take care, drink water and wishing happy holidays!
talk to you soon x
- Shannon <3
^ see Support Resources page for available help.
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